Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.