Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

catch me on valentine’s day like

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.