Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.