Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My love language is hissing.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.