Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My dream car is a taco truck.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.