Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I’ve been laughing about this for two days straight.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DAD: *nods his approval*
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”