@GrowlyGrego

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

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@DurtMcHurtt

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@KatMcSnatch

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

@FU_TangClan

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@KalvinMacleod

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

@NeptunePhoenix

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”