Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.