Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?