Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂