Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself