got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
You Might Also Like
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
ok like just. call me at this point
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.