Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

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-Librarians arguing

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.