got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.