Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.