Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.