@dave_cactus: Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That's OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
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@Paxochka: It's cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
@tkhan74: I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
@KylePlantEmoji: You, idiot magician: I've sawed a lady in half! Me, brilliant English teacher: you've SEEN a lady in half
@RamblingMachine: In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it