Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
You Might Also Like
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.