Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
You Might Also Like
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately