Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.