Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Proctologist = Analyst

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other