Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.