Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Oh boy, $150,000!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
The three genders.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question