Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Said the murderer.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]