Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh