Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
😾
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked