Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

time machine? you mean a clock?

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

And now we wait

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]