Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters