Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.