Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
The two types of wives
Feels like there should be a middle ground
But wait…
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.