Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…