Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it