Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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I only treason on days ending in y
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
🤔😂😂
technically true but not a great slogan
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked