Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
#oldknees
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
u spoke cat all this time??????
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move