Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
couldn’t resist
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I have two kinds of followers
