Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

adding to the discourse

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.