Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
SF is the wild wild west man
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.