@robynpalmer1

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

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@Dani21013

Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

@pleatedjeans

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything