Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

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Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.


I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..


I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.


“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”


My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.


U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything