got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I love it all
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please