got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?