got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.