Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

My current situation

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.