Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Meow?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day