Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The Onion called it…again.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”