Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

No laws when master is gone

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.