Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..