Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.