Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
the worm is coming from inside the brain
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.