Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable