Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
