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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105