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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
He has no idea 🤡
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Ion see the issue
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?