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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.