Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.