Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

The United Steaks of America

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago