Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

🐕🍷

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*