I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
You Might Also Like
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.