If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.
Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night
You Might Also Like
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!