Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
ME: hey baby
ME: *looks closer*
I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up
spot whats sandpaper like?
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving