Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night

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911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok


me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious


[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.


I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.


[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?


ME: hey baby






ME: *looks closer*


ME: oh


I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity


I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.


I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up


spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving