@perlhack

Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night

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@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

@BoogTweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@MarfSalvador

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!