Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

It’s a gift

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.