Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
happy mother’s day❤️
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now