Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

I know karate and tons of other words.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules