Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.