Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

never forget

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.