Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
they really do be looking like this
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”