Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence