Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I’m good..


[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no


You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.


Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”


Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.


7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches


I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.