Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right