@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

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@Cheeseboy22

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@FrenulumBreve

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

@AntiJokeTyrone

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@Hilarious_Idiot

Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I’m good..

@schnooozle

[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

@Sarcasticsapien

Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”

@McFluffy537

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.