Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

(Electricians.)

“That’s what” – She

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.