Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

it’s finally my moment to shine

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal