Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
You Might Also Like
Birds & Planes.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!