Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.