Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free