@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

@dlicj

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@jctwritesstuff

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@Book_Krazy

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@bridger_w

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

@RocketRankoon

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.