Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
lmao
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?