Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
where the womens at?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you