Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Skills

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?