Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Bless you

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol