Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Stop it! 😂