Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
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grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Before & after 😅
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Ummm 😳
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.