Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

secret recipe

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader