Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories